customer information leaflet for eurogrumble vol. 1 by hey colossus and the van halen time capsule
what is in your record? your record is called eurogrumble vol. 1 and is held on a black 12” circular disc of polyvinyl chloride. the active experimental ingredient belongs to the following: doom, krautrock, metal, noise, sludge, psychedelic.
pack size: eight tracks are available.
product license holder/manufacturer: riot season
what is your record for? eurogrumble vol. 1 may be used in the treatment of the following conditions and symptoms:
the question – sufferers may experience the otherworldly crackle and hiss of needle on vinyl. delusions of phil collins’ in the air tonight indicate the onset of this illness. this will quickly fade to be replaced by a mogadon-warm burbling in the stomach with occasional neural twanging of banjo and the thick chug of doom. if you hear voices while taking this medication continue listening. this is your conscience attempting to leave the body. there is no escape. these sensations will pass.
13 millers court – a feverish (un)predictable deep-rooted sexual psychosis, first attributed to sir william gull c. 1888. symptoms include buzzing, bottom-heavy bass plods, bellowed tourettes-like vocalisation and loss of bowel control. subject will be drawn towards grinding doom monochording, viscious, viscous distortion and east end prostitutes. a foul stench of industrial victorian squalor may be emitted.
shithouse – (note this is a variation of whitehouse, first diagnosed england, 1980)
pope longhaul iii – subject suffers ailments similar to slow motion sabbathy hole in the sky. sideffects may include headaches brought on by wet drum thump, satanik vox, monotonic swampy squealing feedback (see whitehouse above) as guitars, feverishly overdriven, burst into an unmajestic, grimaceandgrin-inducing wall of black muck howl. cottonmouth and/or brain fug may be experienced, not disimilar to hearing the jesus lizard wading through a bath of tar.
eurogrumble – for the symptomatic relief of severe mood swings ramgimg from hysteria induced by mechabeats, big bass electro-thud noise and monged evildisco incantations to the claustrophobic hard rawk beattery and squall of thirtyodd rusted guitar string repeato-abuse. like robert palmer gone utterly utterly mad and horribly horribly wrong. prolonged use may result in addiction to fuzz (might as well face it). sufferers complain of an overdriven helios creed-like discharge, but with additional swelling of peripheral limbs.
kingdom come – migraine-like throbbing sensations, dizzying sways and a crushing heavy weight pressing down on the chest may be experienced. patients willing to indulge lingering, gonzo, melvins-style unhyperactive riffing and godless shrieking should find symptons ease after four minutes. some incidences of auditory hallucinations similar to those found in severe cases of type 2 ironus monkeyus with inadequate glycemic control have been recorded.
wait your turn – symptoms include vertiginous chord crunch, dizzying pick scrape and ghost voice radio-tuning delirium. whisky may be used to alleviate discomfort. take one riff as necessary. do not use in conjunction with any other riffs. if ailment does not clear after three days, or a course of fourteen repeated listens, please consult your doctor. users of this medication may experience abrupt comedown after fifty minutes.
before listening to your record: if your answer to any of the following questions is yes then you should consult your pharmacist or doctor before listening.
- are you pregnant or breastfeeding?
- do you suffer kidney or liver problems, including alcoholic liver disease?
- are you or have you been allergic to any of the genres listed above?
- are you listening to any other records at the present time?
while listening to your record: some music may cause unwanted side effects. if, after listening to eurogrumble vol. 1 for the first time you develop liver, kidney, pancreas and blood problems.stop listening immediately and consult your doctor.
storing your record: keep eurogrumble vol. 1 in a safe place where children cannot see or reach it. hey colossus and the van halen time capsule may be harmful to them. store below twenty five degrees celcius in a dry place. protect from light.