swells is dead…
so farrah fucking fawcett to give her her full name pops her clogs, then jacko comes along and hogs that particular corpse limelight, steals her deceased thunder and it takes me till now to find out that swells has bitten the goddam dust. he was the only only only good thing ever to appear in the nme. and i realise that’s faint damned praise. but it’s not meant as such. he was the kind of bugger that’d make you want a record so bad you’d fuck an aids monkey unprotected just to touch it’s polythene sealed hem. or hate something so much you’d jam blunt knitting needles into yr earholes so you never never never heard morrissey again. if it wasn’t for him i’d never have coined the term cunt-trumpet. but then again if it wasn’t for him i wouldn’t have wasted three quid on the occasional magazine… he made me laugh like a fucking drain and occasionally i’d want to smash his head in but all in the best possible way. he was a bilious foul mouthed bastard. he was swells.
always worth a read be it in metal hammer or the guardian or the philidelphia weekly. his cancerous columns for the latter are things of honest to god truth and beauty…
my fluid-filled legs look like telephone poles, so i sleep and watch tv with my feet up.
what happens next is horrific.
the fluid flows into my already swollen ball bag, making it enormous. this is something they don’t show you on er. it gets so big that i have to carry my balls around the house in my hands when i’m not wearing underpants. seriously.
and when the fluid drains out of your scrotal sac, guess where it goes next? can you?
that’s right, for about a week i sport a huge, fluid-filled fringe under the head of my penis, making it look like some weird skinhead gila-lizard from hell. i tell every male i meet about this.
they are all, without exception, appalled. one says:
“cancer victim or not, if you don’t shut the fuck up right now, i’m going to punch you.”
the english patient / cell out / goodbye
he’s (definitely not) with the baby jeebus now, god bless his little black heart.
29/06/2009 at 1:15 pm
[...] to Robert at cowsarejustfood (an excellent music/ranting blog) for letting us know about the sadly departed, no-nonsense [...]