make a stupid comment win a stupid prize

firstly, fact.  the funniest and/or most intelligent comment to this post WILL win a prize.  fact.  i don’t care what or who or where but this is fact.  you will win something and it will be posted to YOU.  if you live in ja-fucking-pan i will post some hairmetal vinyl straight to your sleeping-pod.  if you sleep in a bin in dorset i will ensure the seventeen year old copy of garfield mouthrapes odie finds your stinkinfested hovel.  step right up folks try your hand.  state your preference – words or music – next to your, in all likelihood, moronic dribblings and if yr lucky, very very lucky you will win some surplus from my new house.  please ensure you enter your email address in the comments section for email addresses and i WILL contact the winner.  i may even sign the prize.

secondly, the bile.  by christ i’m cranky today.  okay people, what the fuck?  do i have to press the big red button and remove YOUR right to COMMENT?  this ain’t zimbabwe dudes and dudettes and whilst we may share a forename i ain’t no mugabe.  but hell there is a limit to my patience dammit.  i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, if you have nothing to say please don’t waste the skin on your fingertips typing it and pressing the comment button.  i’m growing tired of the delete function.  a few regular visitors aside you all seem to be victims of some hideous incest party breeding programme.  comments ranging from the ludicrous “tortoise are interesting” (his/her italics); the mirthless “i am praying for you”; the freaky “knives knives and guns!”.  recently i’ve been asked “WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SHOW FOR YOUR LIFE?” (his/her capitalisation).  indeed.  on the scale of my life to the timeline of the entire fucking universe, not buggering much. the same fellow(ette) also enquired (without question mark) “you think rock is about screaming about death, animals of the night and other meaningless crap”.  well no, but i would like to hear more songs about black-footed ferrets or coypus or the morganucodon or quoll.

what i would like more of are visits from those unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy, those who’s smooth noodle brainsacks dwell in some vaguely violent celebrity tv show docu-drama.  from this ludicrous post revolving around eddie murphy playing the poet ezra pound in a new movie:

“eddie murphy is a mediocre black comedian with a penchant for transexuals. not only does he not have the RIGHT to play a genius like ezra pound, he is 180 degrees off for the role of an anti-semitic, racist white poet. the only thing both men share is they both appear to be completely insane.”

it speaks for itself.

so i guess what i’m asking for is someone to step the funk up and redress the balance.  PLEASE….

this is serious shit.  note my use of capitals.  NOTE them.

i promise a prize.  any subject, any topic, a joke, a humorous aside, a dirty limerick.  just say something to distract me from the fact that george carlin is dead and all you morons are still walking about out there somewhere procreating and eating oversalted snacks.  closing date first july two thousand eight.

ah i love you all really…

morons moron by scratch acid

i am a mindless idiot by the meat puppets

you stupid asshole by mudhoney

oh and if you’re the ‘tits they’re fucking awesome’ guy/girl you can have a prize too.